The Problem of Pain

"Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free-wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself." CS Lewis – "The Problem of Pain"

"Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free-wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself." CS Lewis – "The Problem of Pain"

I have found that I can sit huddled in a corner and be afraid to experience life because there might be a battle ground I am walking onto or I can live and trust that my future is being passed through the hands of a loving heavenly Father that won't make carry more than what I can.

Twenty two years ago I lost my first child to a premature birth. To think I could have chosen a life of fear of being hurt again humbles me. To love is to risk. The risk to fail, the risk of losing, the risk of having your heart left with a hole from the pain of disappointment. I am so thankful for the places I have been that there were always someone with more knowledge that helped me to be brave. We had a doctor in Tulsa that was a pioneer with the procedure I needed to be able to carry babies, thus Zach was carried to full term. For Will, we lived in Colorado Springs which had one of the top Level 3 NICU's in the country at that time. He was born 4 months premature due to added complications from altitude and placenta previa.

It was 6 weeks after Will was born in 1995 that my OB spoke words that changed our future from suffering to restoration. I was done with trying to have kids, my self worth was at an all time low. The feelings of "I did this to my baby" were so hard to fight off. I told Dr. Bianco I was done, no more, I would never "do this" to another child. He spoke these words,  "Don't have a tubal, when Will goes to Kindergarten you might just change your mind." I was thinking "Go to Kindergarten? I don't know if this baby is even going to live, let alone go to Kindergarten."

Today I am saying to you to be open to the donkey or burning bush or OB doc who wears clogs in your path that God might be using to keep you from making a life changing decision. I am grateful for that doc. He spoke the exact words I needed to hear. I held them in my heart until I was willing to risk it and take a chance there might be restoration in my future. 

To finish this story I got pregnant when Will was in Kindergarten. We decided to have a sonogram to find out whether I was having a boy or girl. The first one in June had failed to give us the info we wanted. We went back the next month on July 10th and found out she was a girl. The exact birth/death day of our first born, Hannah Grace. The sonographer was a mess when we told her the significance of the date. The ruby is the birthstone for July. Ruby Adelaine our precious jewel was born that October.  

I choose to not let life pass me by because the temptation of fear wants to knock at my door. You know, I don't have to answer the beatings of that dirty rascal. But if a life giving, purpose fulfilling opportunity knocks I want to be ready to stand up and open that door.



So I am asking you "Who's pencil or voice is God wanting to use to speak to you today?" I hope you have an open heart to hear the words that hold your destiny that is full of hope. Also, pick up any of CS Lewis books. I will be sure to have something worth meditating on it is.

Penciling tonight to honor the work of restoration God has done for me.

Krista

Weep With Those Who Weep

Romans 12:15 "…weep with those who weep.”

My heart has been aching all day. The pain has come and gone and come again.   Today a young mama lost her baby.  As Tim was preaching this morning, from the side aisle I was waved to the back of the auditorium. Outside the doors I held the grandma of that baby in my arms. I called for Mama Renea to come out and help me minister to this dear lady - who had to tell her daughter her baby was gone. Church ended and I went home and fed my family lunch and called two more gals who said they would go to the hospital with me.  How thankful I was for these two from my “company of women” to go with me to minister to this young, brokenhearted mother.  As we walked through the security doors my heart lurched sideways and I felt faint. So many times I have walked through those doors to visit happy smiling faces of new parents, but my heart knew today was different. Today a baby went to the arms of Jesus.

I have found it is better to minister out of few words. We went over the bed and told her how sorry we were to hear what happened, and “this sucks.”  Sorry if those words offend you but there is no other description to fit the bill.  We live in a fallen world where bad things happen.  Her baby boy was beautiful.  He lay silently in his mother's arms - perfect in every way.  We reminded her that she’s not alone, nor forgotten and that “it's going to take time for these wounds to heal."  I asked her if we could pray with her, and when we finished one of the other gals said, “I think we should sing ‘Jesus Loves Me’.” So we sang over this baby and his brokenhearted mother - and we cried.  My two friends and I were privileged to have an experience with this mama that few will know. We were able to see her baby...and we knew him.

Today Jesus wept.

Picking up my pencil today. I can feel the scars of the past, but I know He does make everything beautiful in His own time.

Krista

15.5 Years-the Miracle keeps Unfolding

Have you ever wondered about anything specific for 15 years? I have but it was not a question that haunted me or even really nagged at my soul. When Will was younger it definitely did, but as he grew the worry subsided to the "Wonder" years.

William Timothy our middle child was born severely premature 15 1/2 years ago. He weigh in at 26 oz. Most canned drinks have more substance to them than my Sweet William did at birth. His little body dropped down to a tiny 19 oz. as he fought for life. He had many issues but one by one Jesus has laid them to rest, most by the age of 5. Just this past week we got to lay my "wonder" thought into the book of miracles for my big strong son. Will had Retinopathy of Prematurity. Which means without intervention he would have been blind, with intervention we didn't know how much of his vision field would be reduced. In simple terms the doctors always told us because of the laser eye surgery he would not have much peripheral vision.  As his 16 birthday approaches we decided a field of vision test would probably be a good idea since to drive safely you need to have some peripheral vision. Will came out of the testing room and said "Wow that was boring." I thought "Okay, so if it was boring how much of the lights did he see?" We went back to the room and the doctor brought in the test results. Both of his eyes peripheral vision fall in the NORMAL RANGE!  The doctor was amazed. I was grateful. God is good. I can't wait to see what this walking miracle is going to accomplish with his life. When he was dedicated at church this verse was paralleled with his life Zech. 3:2 He truly is a brand that has been plucked from the fire.

Penciling tonight to give Jesus thanks for ALL the good things He is doing and has DONE!
Krista

 Zech. 3:2 "The LORD said to Satan, "⁽The LORD rebuke you, Satan! Indeed, the LORD who has chosen Jerusalem rebuke you! Is this not a brand plucked from the fire?"

I Smelled of Smoke



I smelled of smoke.

I walked over to Tim during worship last Sunday and I said “I smell of smoke”. My eyes were full tears as I was touched in a way that I had not experienced before.

Earlier, before the service had started, Tim found me and said “I have a couple I want to introduce to you”.  I had to get my feet moving fast as he was weaving in and out of people and I wasn’t sure where he was headed. We stopped at a table in our café area and there sat two precious gifts. Tim introduced me and I leaned over to hug the lady. As we stood and talked I could see that the man became more relaxed the longer we spoke.  We spent a few minutes as we would with any new visitor that had given us their time. After we said our last words I hugged the woman again. As I moved away I noticed I smelled of smoke. A strong woodsy kind of scent from an open fire.  You see our guests were from Tent City and we were so honored to have them come to our church. After the service we talked to the couple again and I know it is not going to be the last time for us to see them.

Sunday I got to be God’s ambassador.  Jesus smelled like smoke on Sunday.

Humbled that I got to get out my pencil today.

Krista

Matthew 25:37-40 (The Message) "Then those 'sheep' are going to say, 'Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?' Then the King will say, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.'"

    

Snow, snow--that girl loves SNOW!

Snow has always brought a thrill to my daughter's heart and as the first real storm of the season started slowly covering the ground in white she couldn't contain herself. Talk of  her first adventure down Mount Colum"bius" has been on her list of "Things to Do" for over a month. Later that afternoon Tim took her on her first run and she was a sledding machine. The following two days were full of extremely low temperatures. Much to her chagrin, mama and papa wouldn't let her go to the Mount even though school was cancelled. Mulling around the house looking at me like I had lost my mind wasting a prime opportunity of hitting the slopes (note: Mount Colum"bius" is a hill by a parking lot) I decided I should distract her with something else she loved so we started a craft project. About an hour later I couldn't find her and I happened to step out into our garage and saw her sitting very disturbed in our van. I said "Ru, what are you doing?" She hollered back in no uncertain terms "I am NOT getting out of this van until YOU take me sledding!" Without a pause I said "Okay" and heading back into the house. The garage was enclosed and she had on her warm clothes. I figured some "quiet" time for the perturbed little woman in the van might do her some good.  After about 20 minutes the craft project we had started earlier was needing attention in the oven. I opened the door and said "The timer is ringing are you going to check your charms?" She walked in and the mother won the battle. I filled the rest of the day with her cooking in the kitchen. She enjoys helping me to decide what would be yummy for supper. Chili was the winner and she browned the hamburger and started opening cans of beans and tomatoes. She loves to stir her recipes and she soon was back to her chattering self. I think Tim gets very tickled at how much Ru and I are alike. I can't wait to tell her stories when she is older. My mother always said "I hope you get a girl just like you!"  I did and my feelings about that is fact make my heart happy. Creative minds just like to be busy. She announced she wants to be 1. A Summer and Winter Olympian 2. Run a restaurant or 3. Run a rescue for animals when she grows up. I say whatever she wants to do she has my blessing. I personally think she is going to be the President of the USA. She definitely has enough hootspa! 


Much to sis's happiness another snow date with the Mount happened today. Yes, she got penciled in on the parental calendar. There goes that pencil.
Krista

Only Thing We Have....

"Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself” was a phrase that was going through my head this morning. President Franklin D. Roosevelt was the one who coined the statement in his first inaugural address. I googled the line to get more information and as I was reading it I remembered our neighbor lady who lived across the street from us on Edmond here in St. Joseph in the early 1990’s. I am sad to say I have forgotten her name but I remember who she was and how she was different from me.  It was summer and I had baked a gooseberry pie to take over to her. Tim carried baby Zach as we walked to her house just a few houses away. As we entered I was taken aback not because of any one thing but it felt like a foreign world. We stepped into her house at dusk and she was moving around in the dark with ease. I found a light switch to help us move to the back of her house where her kitchen was. We got out plates and I served up the pie. She liked the pie but she loved my baby boy more. She slowly squeezed his legs and arms and would say things like “Oh he is so perfect”.  I smiled as she made her discovery of our little man. Our neighbor was in her 90’s and blind.  She told us of her husband working for FDR in the Great Depression. Her stories made her come alive as they were full of time in her past when life was very different for her. She enjoyed telling them and we reciprocated with being a good audience. How many times in life do we spend time being afraid to step into a world of somebody who is different than us? I found out that day that we were sitting with a lady whose youth was rather exciting as she talked of the famous people she had shared her life with in the 1930’s. Who now was very alone left to sit in the dark waiting. She wasn’t asking for anything but just enjoyed our presence once we stumbled our way in. I am glad I made that pie from the berries I had picked. I am thankful we shared our buster baby with our little FDR acquaintance. I never would have thought 20 years later I would be remembering it, but it was a moment in time that did impact me. I learned it is so important to love those who are different than me. Really we had more in common than not. Really "the only thing we have to fear, is fear itself". Thanks FDR for your famous quote. Got out my "pencil" this morning-glad I did. Krista  Matt 10:26-31 26 “So do not be afraid of them, for there is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. 27 What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs. 28 Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. 29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."  "Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself”: FDR’s First Inaugural Address Franklin D. Roosevelt had campaigned against Herbert Hoover in the 1932 presidential election by saying as little as possible about what he might do if elected. Through even the closest working relationships, none of the president-elect’s most intimate associates felt they knew him well, with the exception perhaps of his wife, Eleanor. The affable, witty Roosevelt used his great personal charm to keep most people at a distance. In campaign speeches, he favored a buoyant, optimistic, gently paternal tone spiced with humor. But his first inaugural address took on an unusually solemn, religious quality. And for good reason—by 1933 the depression had reached its depth. Roosevelt’s first inaugural address outlined in broad terms how he hoped to govern and reminded Americans that the nation’s “common difficulties” concerned “only material things.”